Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Saying Goodbye

The night is cold and damp. A pink mist covers the vastness of the sky. The electric fan whirrs continuously at my feet and the radio buzzes of somewhere inside our bedroom.

I never thought I'd wake up early in this very unholy time of dawn. Everything is so peaceful and so quiet. And it definitely feels like I'm the only one alive in town. Everyone else dozes off to make an appointment with Dream in Slumberland.

My mind is racing before me once again. I just can't fight this urge to write everything down. Looks like my companion for this time will be my pen and journal.

Saying goodbye...

The mental and emotional torture of choosing between my two ministries that are completely different from each other has already passed. I decided to go back to my roots and to grow within the spiritual family where I first found and felt my calling to serve God. In fact, I've already written a farewell letter to my other spiritual leader, weeks before, to prepare myself on that day when I'll be finally saying my goodbye.

Yesterday was when I officially ended my race on that ministry to give my full devotion and commitment to the other one. It occurred to me that saying goodbye is not going to be easy for my spiritual leader who nurtured me for months. Naturally, he'd be concerned and I can see that the initial reaction would be not to let me go.

We had decided to meet yesterday perhaps to settle my being absent on Sunday School Training for three consecutive weeks. He has no idea that I've already made up my mind and that it'll be our last conversation as a Father and Son, which was how we accepted each other from the very beginning.

I prayed to God to open his mind and heart to the choice I've finally made, and as well as to guide my tongue and all the words that are about to come out of my mouth to make this goodbye as less painful as it can. I didn't talk much. All I did was to answer his questions politely. But when I finally sensed an aggression over my personal beliefs, maybe to try to manipulate me or to shove in my face that I'm making a wrong decision, I stood by my ground for the first time, and finally let out a polite statement of defense (and annoyance) that ended everything in an instant.

What I said must have been very painful for him as a leader. But it was all I could say to show him that my decision is final and that everything is going to be alright.

I cried as he was giving me his blessings. I already sensed that it was not going to be easy but I never thought that it would end up this way. It's a decision I will never regret my whole life.

Today, life goes on. I will continue the things that that ministry has inculcated in me - that is, building my personal intimate relationship with God through prayer and a special devotional time.

One thing I realized yesterday after my leader asked me what my purpose is was this great passion inside me that I feel every time I see beggars, abandoned seniors, natural disaster victims, homeless children and the like, in the streets and in TV. That my heart yearns over doing charitable acts and voluntary works for my fellow men; that I am called to help and provide for the needs of the less fortunate; that aside from evangelism that the ministry I just left used to push forcefully up my system, loving and serving the poor is one of the greatest way I could serve my God.

The day is cold and damp. Large masses of gray clouds cover the vastness of the sky. The electric fan whirrs continuously at my feet and the trickles of the sky's tears started to ring in my ears.

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