Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Weather today's freaked out. One moment it's warm and bright and the next it's dark and raining. The news says something about an upcoming typhoon and all we could do in class is watch the dimming sky and the non-stop downpour of rain while workin' on our mosaic due next Saturday. Under that gloomy and silent state, where the soft pounding of rain is the only sound you'll hear, a conversation between me and my friend Fev initiated.

Future plans for our life and career became the main topic of our small chat. She said all she really care about is graduating from college and having a stable job so as to help her parents in Palawan, which I think is a typical scenario and reason (more like an obligation) here in our country's culture where the youth plays an important role in the future development of the nation. Not that I don't want to graduate and have a stable job like her, it's just that there are still so many things I really wanted to do with my life that is far more important than raising money, money and more money for myself, my parents and my family.

Currently on my sophomore year as an architecture student, I still wonder what future I may have in this course I'm taking. The fact that I'm not sure of anything and that my tomorrow is still somewhat hazy (and spontaneous!) gives me a bit of a scare. Sitting in front of a drafting table and learning about structures and stuff wasn't something I had pictured myself doing two years ago. And now that I'm in college, studying to be a professional or rather just to get a degree and make myself believe that I'm a 'productive citizen' of the society, I just can't seem to have a clear picture of what might in store for me.

And with the upcoming Architectural Qualifying Examination (AQE) for the sophomores on March next year, that sudden jolt of anxiety over something that is so critical (very similar to the time when I had to choose between a prestigious university with a very high tuition over an affordable one famed for it's overly dramatic student activists) had made a complete come back. I have no idea what will happen next after that AQE. Not that I don't believe I can pass the said exam, but considering the other side of what could possibly happen - maybe, just maybe, you know, flunking the exam cause rumors had been going on that the usual passing rate of the incoming juniors every year is only half or three-quarters of the sophie batch - what would happen to me? What would happen to this thing I believe I call a 'direction'?

Gone are my days when 'wherever-the-flow-of-fate-would-lead-me' is the only plan I have in my life. Gone are those days when I'm completely clueless about my direction, about what I really wanted from my existence, or who I wanted to be say ten or fifteen years from now. I have to set up my goals, purposeful ones, based accordingly on what I really had in heart, and aspire. I started my blog, as a high school senior student, full of musings and ranting from the past. But now that I see how big the world truly is than how I had ever imagined it to be, I guess it's time to for me now to take that leap and pursue my dreams.

Living in the present times of diverse and prevalent pop cultures, of overcommercialism, of products that dictates you who you are, of gadgets that serves as a status symbol as much as it is used as a tool of communication, of pubescent idolatry (say hello to the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus), where showbiz gossip and the whereabouts of the stars is more important than your own life, I don't want to get lost in the crowd.

I don't want to embed myself in a made-up reality that makes you feel good in the outside but completely hollow and rotten on the inside. I don't want to deprive myself of meaning, of the Truth, and what really matters in this world. I don't want to be blind. I want to be able to see, and more importantly, to address the needs of other people especially those in the margin of our society. Even I don't have much, yet given the opportunity and courage, I would give myself wholly to serve, to lend a helping hand, and to try to make things a little less painful for poor, either physically and if God permit, spiritually.

All my life I've been very blessed yet at the same time insensitive and apathetic towards those who are very much in need. And now as I make these ranting and musings about my direction and dreams, I guess being a volunteer isn't really that bad after all.

Professional volunteer, youth/student volunteer, disaster and relief volunteer, environment advocate, human rights ambassador... I realize that there are so many things I could do and paths I could start with to help.

I wish not to be blind. And I pray with all my heart to have the chance to give back my time, treasure and talent to those who are very much in need of it.

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