Unconscious

Narvacan Stop-over, Northern Ilocos

It was an eye-opener on my part. I’ve been talking a lot about introspection in my blog but nothing could top that Thursday when I have been blessed to see and understand some of the aspects of myself that have remained hidden for years – covered up by layers and layers of defense mechanisms and of masks. I am deeply conscious of the hurts and traumas I’ve had as a child but I didn’t know that some truly could have adverse effects on my behavior and reactions as I grow up. 

• Absentee parents and deficiency on open communication; 
• The need for a fatherly figure; 
• Teasing and bullying from my pre-school and elementary days; and 
• The image and views that other people have enforced on me to believe 

Explains: 

• my distance from aggressive and loud individuals by first impression 
• my sensitivity and irritability at specific situations 
• my withdrawal from human relations when things are getting out of hand 
• my sense of paralysis when things aren't going according to plan
• my high idealistic standards – keeping on pushing the boundaries 
• my search for the perfect masculine figure that I could emulate 
• my occasional bouts of emptiness, loneliness and the feeling of unworthiness 
• my persistent search for 'true' happiness and the denial of achievements despite all that I have accomplished 
• and my constant plea to be heard and to be listened to 

(15-minute pause from typing habang mataimtim na humahagulgol at umiiyak na parang bata) 

- all symptoms of a deep-seated low self-esteem. A rush of emotions flooded my veins. Suddenly I was feeling again all the hurt I had towards my parents. What I thought I have outgrown I realized was still there inside me - lying deceivingly dormant thru all these years. It is a shock for me to go over everything. I hated my parents for not listening. I hated them for not being communicative and emotionally involved as I grow up. I remember how I walked out in the middle of the night crying my eyes in the dim steps of our parish or even once when I wished I would not wake up. Truly, it was painful to recall and retouch all of them at once.

I see our household then and now and realized there has not been any change in the way we address our hurts and conflicts. Withdrawal seems to be the best way out for everyone if not the occasional mindless and hurtful retorts. I could put all the blame on my origins but that would truly be unfair. Because they might have been the product of a flawed parenting too. 

Healing starts with listening and with understanding. I’m sure there’s still a way to make things right this time. Though I am quite sure it won’t be a breeze. I expect a lot of outpouring of emotions. It's all a process for all of us. 

The healing of my inner child starts right now.