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"Happiness is something that multiplies when it is divided." 

Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

Saying Goodbye

The night is cold and damp. A pink mist covers the vastness of the sky. The electric fan whirrs continuously at my feet and the radio buzzes of somewhere inside our bedroom.

I never thought I'd wake up early in this very unholy time of dawn. Everything is so peaceful and so quiet. And it definitely feels like I'm the only one alive in town. Everyone else dozes off to make an appointment with Dream in Slumberland.

My mind is racing before me once again. I just can't fight this urge to write everything down. Looks like my companion for this time will be my pen and journal.

Saying goodbye...

The mental and emotional torture of choosing between my two ministries that are completely different from each other has already passed. I decided to go back to my roots and to grow within the spiritual family where I first found and felt my calling to serve God. In fact, I've already written a farewell letter to my other spiritual leader, weeks before, to prepare myself on that day when I'll be finally saying my goodbye.

Yesterday was when I officially ended my race on that ministry to give my full devotion and commitment to the other one. It occurred to me that saying goodbye is not going to be easy for my spiritual leader who nurtured me for months. Naturally, he'd be concerned and I can see that the initial reaction would be not to let me go.

We had decided to meet yesterday perhaps to settle my being absent on Sunday School Training for three consecutive weeks. He has no idea that I've already made up my mind and that it'll be our last conversation as a Father and Son, which was how we accepted each other from the very beginning.

I prayed to God to open his mind and heart to the choice I've finally made, and as well as to guide my tongue and all the words that are about to come out of my mouth to make this goodbye as less painful as it can. I didn't talk much. All I did was to answer his questions politely. But when I finally sensed an aggression over my personal beliefs, maybe to try to manipulate me or to shove in my face that I'm making a wrong decision, I stood by my ground for the first time, and finally let out a polite statement of defense (and annoyance) that ended everything in an instant.

What I said must have been very painful for him as a leader. But it was all I could say to show him that my decision is final and that everything is going to be alright.

I cried as he was giving me his blessings. I already sensed that it was not going to be easy but I never thought that it would end up this way. It's a decision I will never regret my whole life.

Today, life goes on. I will continue the things that that ministry has inculcated in me - that is, building my personal intimate relationship with God through prayer and a special devotional time.

One thing I realized yesterday after my leader asked me what my purpose is was this great passion inside me that I feel every time I see beggars, abandoned seniors, natural disaster victims, homeless children and the like, in the streets and in TV. That my heart yearns over doing charitable acts and voluntary works for my fellow men; that I am called to help and provide for the needs of the less fortunate; that aside from evangelism that the ministry I just left used to push forcefully up my system, loving and serving the poor is one of the greatest way I could serve my God.

The day is cold and damp. Large masses of gray clouds cover the vastness of the sky. The electric fan whirrs continuously at my feet and the trickles of the sky's tears started to ring in my ears.

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...planets move freely in the sky, unaware that they obey strict rules, like everybody else. We wish we were free but actually we're in orbits determined by various factors, 

none of them our choice.

Garrison Keilor, Love Me

Angel of Death

The cool voice of the premier wordplayer Jason Mraz swifted serenely and slowly inside my room as the warmth of the morning sun penetrate through the thin layer of clouds up the sky and into my room that has been left cold by the strong gusts of Cosme, a tropical storm, last night. I savoured every moment of it as the crickets and birds blasted in unison outside my window in response to the chick radio station making noise in the middle of the morning.

I listened quietly as I let the sounds enter my mind, my body and my very soul. I lay flat in bed. And that very moment gave me the opportunity to meditate and think deeply about the news that struck us yesterday.

It came through a text message and it left my mom shedding tears for some time.

A second cousin from the spindle side of the family died of aneurysm yesterday morning. Lola Chayong (my mom's cousin), fought for her son's life as she decided to let him take a very crucial operation in the brain that can only end up either in coma or in death. The chances are very little but she nonetheless took the risk. But life surely is cruel. The Angel of Death took him anyway. All I can say to comfort my mother, as we walk home from church yesterday, which has become a cliche during such occasion, was that maybe it really was his time to go.

I don't hate Death. I fully understand that it played a very important role in the cycle of human existence. I just don't like news of deaths. I mean the way it managed to break every strong and whole heart; the way it kills a smile into a frown; the way it makes people cry in regret and remorse; and the way it leaves an empty space in every man's soul.

The last burial I attended to was of my aunt. My cousins and other closest relatives just can't take it. Oh, I can never forget the images I saw from that inevitable occasion. A gloomy atmosphere in an oppressive silence engulfed everyone. Everybody was in tears. Some gasping for air; another aunt shouting in great pain while an uncle is comforting her; a cousin in a corner, quietly reliving moments as tears ran down his cheeks as both hands held a faded brass bracelet; old women in black and yet more relatives in black. It was all too overwhelming.

My mom is planning to attend the burial. I don't know if I will ever come to see such images again. But maybe not for I am too afraid to witness one.

I was never close to that deceased second cousin of mine. In fact, I can't even remember his face nor even knew he ever existed. That explains why I don't even felt sad or remorseful. But that also hints that I have to pay a close attention on my family tree and the generation that came before mine.

The Angel of Death came and took another one again. The news forcefully moved me to turn around to have a look on what I've been doing lately in my life and to look forward to what I still can do or accomplish with the rest of the time I have left. I do have a chance to live. But am I making a good use of it? I can't believe there are so many little things in life I'm not even aware I'm taking for granted of. I can now see that every morning is an opportunity and that every breath is a chance.

I dedicate this post to Kuya Allen whom I don't even remember. He died young but I guess that was what had God really intended for him. Now, I just can't stand the thought that while I'm here in my room waiting for the next song to start on the radio, my loved ones are weeping for once again.

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So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. 

This is because they are chasing the wrong things. 

The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning. Morrie Schwarz

Afternoon Walk

My enrollment last Monday for the first semester of my sophomore year marked the start of the countdown to the end of my summer vacation. I was never really conscious of the time last month but the grueling day at school and those long hours of standing in lines that seemed to never end made me realize of what little time I have left.

Of course, I was happy to see my closest block mates again back from their respective homes and provinces, but I'm quite sure I'm also going to miss my free and unlimited time with myself reading novels and books of different sorts that are not even related to the course I'm taking, cleaning and doing household chores, cloud and bird watching while listening to the chorus of crickets during mid morning, playing with my lovely kittens when I've nothing to do, and taking afternoon walks around our vicinity to sort things out in my head.

Hmmm... I wander how will I spend the rest of my summer days...

Speaking of afternoon walks, I haven't taken some dose of mine lately because of the continuous drizzle for the last five days or so. It really bummed me because I have to stay indoors, fight for space with some of my family members and sort the growing confusion brought about by my recent dilemma.

Ironically, the gray clouds threatening to pour down from time to time, the cool atmosphere, and the silence brought about by those drizzles gave an unusual serenity in my head to pray and to concentrate firmly on making this big decision.

What big decision, you say? Well, I never really thought of bringing it publicly in my blog because its main concerns are very personal and very crucial when it comes to my spiritual growth and development. My perspective on the subject is quite wild and unusual, but I'm pretty confident to stand by my beliefs as far as both involved parties are concern. To put it simply and without further much ado, I've been faced with a big decision to choose between my Catholic faith and this Born-Again ministry I've been attending since February.

I really don't want to discuss the details any further for I believe that it will only bring the matter up which caused an enormous emotional and mental torture in my part. To finally end it, let's just say that I believe in ecumenism (please consider 1Cor 12:3-7;12-13) and that no matter what side I choose, I'll still be on my way to Jesus.

What I can't seem to dismiss in my head brought about by this experience is the idea of just stop believing and flee from Christianity to end my confusion once and for all. But you know what? I realized that I just can't. And I won't Because I believe in God (and I believe that there is one) and that's that.

Men may embed themselves in ongoing systems of illusion all they want. This is mt illusion. And this is what I believed in...

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Anyone who lives in his own world is crazy. Like schizophrenics, psychopaths, maniacs. I mean people who are different from others. On the other hand, you have Einstein, saying that there was no time or space, just a combination of the two. Or Columbus, insi8sting that on the other side of the world lay not an abyss but a continent. Or Edmund Hillary, convinced that a man could reach the top of Everest. Or the Beatles, who created as entirely different sort of music and dressed like people from another time. Those people - and thousands of others - all lived in their own world. Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

Pinoy Documentary

Babelgum

Dancing For Discipline, a short documentary by 20-year old filmmaker (and Supreme columnist of The Philippine Star) Pepe Diokno, tells the story of the Thriller-performing inmates of Cebu. During the premeire showing of the film which was funded by USAID, Chief Justice Reynato Puno praised the project.

Audiences have called the film hilarious, relevant, and thought-provoking. The movie is a comic examination of the culture of power in Philippine politics. It features telling interviews with both inmates and jail officials.

And, there is lots of dancing. The film asks: What is discipline? At a time when so much of it is asked of society, is the Thriller its ultimate expression? Or, is discipline a word politicians use to mean society follow leadership without question?

The film finds the answers among the dancing detainees. Dancing for discipline is anything but funny.

Watch Dancing For Disciplne for free at the Babelgum Online Film Festival. Your votes can make it win. Your votes may also win you a trip to Cannes!